No witty title, just some truth. Below is the advice I’ve accrued to get over someone. I had my heart broken way too many times recently, so here goes.
Note: this is a jawonthefloor post, so the obvious (I hope) points aren’t included. These include deleting photos and breaking all contact. I know, I know, this is the hardest part. But make the choice, do you want to get over the people who hurt you, or not?
When you’re heartbroken and grieving (because that’s essentially what it is) it’s really hard to see life in one of my favourite adages “Everything is a blessing”, but that’s what it is. Bullshit? I hope not.
Set a time period – and then move on. Easier said than done, yes. But looking back, this is the best thing that you can do for yourself. If you are not with someone, it is for a reason. Don’t even think about it. If you’re a thinker (or high ruminator, as I’ve heard it called), like I am then it’s no use trying to not think. If you can switch off your thoughts, then I envy you, although I suspect that it is usually burying unresolved feelings in a box. This is not much better than not forgetting, so deal with it [read on for more such harsh jawonthefloor advice. My apologies in advance]
And don’t try quelling it with noise and things. It won’t work! So in your time period, you deal. You cry, listen to every sad song, you depress the heck out of everyone around you, you laugh and cry, you cry and cry, you meet new people and probably break their heart (happens), you read books, you… get the point.
Because the problem with the “get over it and stay busy” advice is that there’s that moment, where the music stops, and you’re left with your thoughts. What then? Then there are no coping mechanisms, no one on speed dial and no ice cream in the freezer!
So whether it’s a month, a year or a decade (I’m dramatic, deal with it!) you need to see an end in sight and realise that if you don’t see the end of the heartache, you never will. But not doing anything and hoping for the best is not an alternative.
Take advice, but think of it as a cake – every ingredient and method can be poured into the bowl, but until you let it sit in the oven, it will still be batter. Did you get that? You are the batter.
“Time heals wounds” is the worst cliché ever for someone dealing with a broken heart, but unfortunately it is the truest thing there is. No one likes to hear it. But this only ever makes sense in retrospect when you, hopefully, look back and laugh with your friends and your new love over what a fool you were. However, in that moment of heartache everyone either wants that person back, or to be completely over them and to just forget. Next point.
Don’t try to forget – you shan’t. Stop it. This is how addictions form. Sleep, food, painkillers, alcohol, that shit all works, until you have to wake up, vomit, deal with the hangover or come down from the high…
You will never forget. The memories will just morph and change shape. I recently saw an ex a few times and I couldn’t believe I felt nothing. All I saw were faults. This would not have happened if I didn’t learn to let go. He was with his new partner and he was exactly the same, but I was not. Get it? I learned my lessons and grew as a person. Methinks he might not have had the same insights. So I expect his partner to be reading this very blog in no time.
Bend with your thoughts, but never, ever try to rationalise or explain the behaviour of another – this is true for most people and becomes especially relevant in the context of a break up.
Here’s what you need to do – Shrug your shoulders, go “eh, you know”, do a goofy smile and then wave. Smile and wave, just smile and wave. This is some of the best advice I have read in 2012 and it works. Remember, nothing is constant, so it helps for the moment, and is not destructive.
What you must not do is faff and caw over someone who hurt you. If they enjoy sex (for lack of a better word) and want that over a meaningful relationship, fine. If they projected an image which changed drastically over the course of your relationship, ok. If they hurt you, not ok, but also now in the past. Don’t try to change it. It happened for a reason.
Think about it: what you are doing when you say “but he…” [had an alcoholic father/had a rough childhood/was hurt by his ex/deserves another chance/is still young and inexperienced and doesn’t know better/will learn to appreciate me, et al] is taking what he did, and twisting it to suit what you would like the situation to have been. It’s not. You’re hurt. That’s not going to change. But you can change your present!
Give up on the truth – and focus on your own.
And while we’re at it, don’t ever try to understand someone. Most of us don’t understand why we do the things we do, so how can you understand why someone would do something to you? Don’t! Stop! You will never get the answers you want. They are selfish and don’t care about you. Harsh, I know. But rather you hear it from me than your mother. And if they lied to you, or betrayed you in some way, you won’t ever get the full truth. Even when they say they have told you, how do you know to trust them? You don’t! Stop it! Move on!
The irony about accusations and insults is that they come from within, and are always (with very few exceptions) really about an insecurity that the accuser has not resolved. So when someone calls you a whore and you can’t understand why, maybe they want to be sexual with more than one person, and don’t know how to express that. It’s not an excuse, of course, but a possible reason.
When I had a crush on someone in 2010, a colleague who is a very established child psychologist told me something that has always stuck with me. He said that people will not change because you want them to. What I got from that long conversation with him goes back to my original point of everything in life being a blessing. BUT you must make it through the storm and smoke to appreciate that.
Change your perspective and see things as people doing you a favour. Your ex’s ex who hurt your ex did you both a favour, because you would not have experienced the few good moments together. And the one who hurt you did you a favour because you would never have been through the strong-making shit storm of your own otherwise.
So there you have it. My best advice to begin to get through something like this. Do you have your own tips? Advice? (Dare I say) solutions? I’d love to hear them.
Happy dating Floor Jawers. Dive in!
<p>Author <a href=”https://plus.google.com/102128103971030481396” target=”blank” rel=”author”>Jerome Cornelius</a></p>