As a journalist for a Sunday paper, I often have to work the Saturday late shift. That requires sitting in the office from 18:00 to midnight and making crime and emergency calls. Of course this is also the time in which I practise my choreography and stuff my face with an assembly line of food.
All I’ve ever wanted was for someone at head office in Johannesburg to send me an email asking if everything is ok, to which I would reply: “All quiet on the Western front”
But this has never happened.
I keep hoping and praying, but fetch is not going to happen.
Ok, let me just take a step back. So, it’s funny because I am in the Western Cape and things are usually quiet and then we would laugh and laugh about our shared interest in German literature. But no, it never happens.
This is the problem with the world today. Everywhere I look everyone is trying to make fetch happen and they just need to give it up. Ok ok, I see you staring again.
If you didn’t get the other reference, then you should be ashamed of how uncultured you are. “Stop trying to make ‘fetch’ happen” refers to a scene in the iconic film “Mean Girls” in which Gretchen Wiener tries to coin the word “fetch” as an exclamation, while bitchy group leader Regina George lashes out at her in frustration for her attempts.
Trying to make fetch happen occurs more than we care to admit. This light bulb went off while watching a movie. The new Fantastic Four film has been galactically slated for how terrible it is, yet the origin film is set to remain a Hollywood standard. Why don’t they just give it up and admit that they’ve run out of ideas?
I’ll tell you why, because we encourage it.
There are enough people going to watch ghastly films and supporting terrible music for it to continue. Yes, I am blaming you.
There are times when blame can be adequately doled out and this is that time. For the love of all that is good in this world – rape jokes are not funny; all lives do NOT matter because the black ones are disrespected the most by far; meninism is a figment of fragile male minds; hashtagging on Facebook should never be allowed ever AND WHATSAPP CALLS ARE NOT A REAL THING. THEY ARE NOT A THING, WHTSAPP, SO STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN, OK! Also, while we’re at it, if a relationship is not working, just stop. Stop yourself; save yourself. Don’t make me call Toni Morrison on you. [also, insert endless solecisms and “edgy” fashion choices. You look and sound ridiculous]
Wow, I didn’t realise I had that inside of me. So much rage. And those are just the few examples that bungeed off the top of my brain. But this is what happens when we try to force a triangle into a square. It does not work. You got that? Stop trying to make fetch happen!
<p>Author <a href=”https://plus.google.com/102128103971030481396” target=”blank” rel=”author”>Jerome Cornelius</a></p>