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My Gay Wish for 2013 – Be More!

I’ve written about gays. I’ve written about sex. I’ve written about love.

So now I’m wondering why they don’t seem to ever coalesce into one post. Is it just this blogger who is unlucky to not have all three at once, or is this common? This could just be the nature of the game, but I refuse to believe that we are only capable of this perception.

Recently I attended MCQP (Mother City Queer Project) in Cape Town, the biggest gay party around. It was help at the Cape Town stadium and one of the dance floors had a dark room. For those not in the know, like I am now, this is literally a room that one enters that is dark. What happens in here is another story. Men (because only men are allowed) were literally ambling about and touching each other and having sex. Sure free condoms were provided, but wow, this one was a shocker for me. I was coerced to enter, and when a fellow writer friend told me that it could be an experience to write about, I thought “Why not?”
However, after being groped once and witnessing some rather unsavoury acts (you don’t even need much imagination for that one) I was done. No really, I ran out! My few minutes in the dark were more than enough for me to have a spark of insight.
If this didn’t confirm how un-cool I am, then it made me hark back to my younger days (like a few years ago) when I was 20 and went to a place called Hot House. It was my first and only time at such a place. Here’s how it works: you get a towel and there are steam rooms and showers and a bar and it’s actually a really pretty place. That’s right; I was alone looking at décor while my friend was doing the things one does at such an establishment. It was terribly lonely and I sat outside on the second story balcony at night, shivering (I didn’t promise a happy tale) and waited to leave.

It’s not all darkness though. Well, the nightclubs are also places of looming and low lights, but that’s a rather obvious point. It made me think back to the time I went to the nude beach, Sandy Bay. A friend went recently and he told me about the things he did. Same thing as before, despite the sun being out. He was in the adjacent bushes and men were doing things with each other which would make any conservative sit up and want to join. When I went a few years ago, I didn’t even get naked (I told you I’m boring, and not a happy tale, remember). However, it is a really beautiful unspoilt piece of ocean side and lovely houses in the distance and crystal clear water and guess what, men were doing things in the bushes with each other thentoo!

Why do gay men feel the need to be in the darkness, or the bushes? My fellow academics would see the connection with a group of people in the dark, hence no enlightenment.
It all made sense. It’s something so obvious, but I’ve never considered very deeply before, but gay people think that the outside appearance is all they have. The endless gym sessions, faffing over frown lines and receding hair lines; it all amounts to a focus on one thing, due to a lack of another. And what we can’t get right in one aspect of our lives, we make up for in another. I’ve made this point so many times, but you can’t cover up scars and the hurt you’re feeling by masking it with stuff and people.

A good friend pointed out something very interesting. In many of our online chats with new friends, whom we had met online, the subject of sex features so prominently. This may be important to some men; however why it has to be as important as it is merely affirms my argument. Many times the conversation will not even be a day old before the inevitable “Top? Bottom?Vers?” questions arise (so to speak) referring to one’s sexual preference. My friend’s point (so to speak) was why gay men have to typecast themselves, before society even gets a chance to? Isn’t the idea of freedom having the safety and space to choose who we want to be? Apparently not, because by asking these questions, you are already deciding that you are going to have sex with this person, without even asking, and by doing so you merely set yourself up as a sexual stereotype and perpetuate so many others. This hit me so hard when we discussed it, because once again, it highlighted how significant the sexual and the physical areto many gay men. I truly believe that many of us are going blindly through the darkness and the bushes, thinking that what we are doing is what we are meant to do. For a long time I thought that dressing and acting and being a certain way was the only way.

Gay people are ostracised based on who they are, which is further based on their outside appearance. A different pitch of voice, a flamboyant hand gesture, dressing a little differently than the norm are all possible indicators of a gay man, relative to the majority of society. So to make up for this ostracism, gay men go to the extreme and try to outdo each other within the safe space of the community. The only problem is that we don’t realise how we shut each other out when we do this, as it becomes one big competition to look the best.

Remember my point about being shrouded in darkness? The problem with this is that it is still a community, and people are bound to get hurt. You cannot keep secrets and not expect them to get out, especially at the expense of the feelings of others. Being hurt is no excuse to lead people on and hurt them.

My wish for this year is that people realise that you are allowed to be more than a pretty face and nice pecs, and that you are better than empty sex.


<p>Author <a href=”https://plus.google.com/102128103971030481396” target=”blank” rel=”author”>Jerome Cornelius</a></p>

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