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Dear Mr Malema (Sixth Zuma wife appeals)

I Love you. Whoa JAW, calm down.

Hello my Floor Jawers, I trust that you are all doing well. If you are not, don’t complain. There are people out there without roofs over their cars. It may be their choice, but still, it’s a tough life.

This is my attitude. One of optimism and hope. Therefore I would like to put in an application to be the Malema wife; the next first lady of this country.

I know that my faithful followers and readers are used to being addressed personally, but this is an open letter to my curvaceous new man. So calm down girls while mamma puts more food on the table.

Mr Malema, I watched you recently on Amanpour and I kept thinking, AmanPOUR this girl a drink.  I swooned when I saw your full face, revolutionary beret-clad head on my screen, shining like the black hole that you are. And that’s a hole into which I would like to be sucked.

Christiane did not seem to get who you are. I do not believe that you are the cause of all that is wrong with this country. Fighting for miners rights and the poor and embattled of this country? Yes please! We need more of you. And going on overseas trips to research the way in which others live? Can we all say SELFLESS?! You, my man, are a man amongst, you know, more men.

Some call you Black Hitler, I just call you my Black Chocolate.

As the sixth Zuma wife, I have had experience in being part of a presidential delegation. Even though I was kept in the back kraal, I often caught glimpses of the meetings.  I have a unique an fragmented insight into the colourful world of South African politics.

I do not agree with Ja-Zu that you should have been suspended. Maybe a little discipline, but that is what you will have me for. You see Juli, you are a bad boy. But that is just what we need. Let’s face it, Madeeba couldn’t do it. All that freedom and constitution nonsense will get us nowhere. This is a rainbow nation that needs our particular brand of black-and-white colour. Forget 50 Shades of Grey. I want one shade of YOU.

I mean if you could get from whatever hole you grew up in all the way to the title of former ANCYL president in the span of a few decades, I think we have a potential role model in you. And I would like you to be the potential role model in me.

So I appeal to you JuMa, take your cocoa finger and go over to that “follow” button and follow me all the way to the altar. Let jawonthefloor show you the way. Hit that button, and then hit me up. I’ll show you how to run this country.

 

<p>Author <a href=”https://plus.google.com/102128103971030481396” target=”blank” rel=”author”>Jerome Cornelius</a></p>

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Much ado about penis (6th Zuma wife speaks out)

My husband is such a dickhead. Laugh out loud! But what a man, right?

I escaped from my kraal at the back of the Zuma compound to tell the world to calm down and stop judging Jackie so harshly. Last night when we were doing our usual role playing, he opened up. He also told me how he feels.

I am partly to blame. That painting was actually inspired by one I had done of him. You see, after we watched Titanic 3D, we had some 3D fun of our own. Jake painted me, I painted him, he spoke Russian, I spoke French; it all became a little too romantic even for a classy lady like me.

Now what you people need to understand is that, what happens between two consenting men, I mean people, is their business. So what if JJ poses for me with little Jj getting some air. That is between husband and wife. I told him to calm down too, that other leaders have had similar paintings done, like the prime minister of some country called Canada. He has no need to feel anything but Pride.

I think Jay might be a little embarrassed that he actually had this one commissioned and then regretted it.  I was there when he had this painting done. He got so carried away, thinking it’s a photo shoot. I shouted give me more. Unfortunately he took this a bit too literally.

The media needs to understand that this is a matter of national security. What would happen if the people saw their leader in this position? What a hard position it will be for him. What a hard position it is for me! People need to put their selfish needs aside and realise that a true African man must be respected.  “This never happened to Nelson” he cried the other night as I crawled over my fellow wives to get a better listen. Those folks at the Goodman Gallery do not know what they are talking about. This is fine art! That is the issue here, right?

<p>Author <a href=”https://plus.google.com/102128103971030481396” target=”blank” rel=”author”>Jerome Cornelius</a></p>

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