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About love and conquering, from @thaabzeniko

Sometimes you stumble on something so pretty you have to share it. That’s how I felt about a thread of tweets I read yesterday. I followed and asked permission to share. @thaabzeniko’s twitter bio reads: “gay. they/ them. mostly in black. guzzling wine somewhere. this be ma corner on the interwebs”

Gotta love that. They (the pronoun the bio states to use) sent me this to add:

“I don’t consider myself a writer but I tend to write occasionally, at times through experience, but mostly through observation. I never knew I could write until I went through some things and I just couldn’t relate to anything out there so I started writing/ facilitating my own lived experiences and fantasies, and it’s been gravy ever since.”

Below are the tweets I’ve typed out, and used the full words in place of abbreviations.

 

One day, you’ll be in bed with your partner when your bodies stick to each other under the sweltering heat and your sighs are soft keys to a song.

They’ll be sleeping but you’ll be restless, trying to catch every speeding thought, thanking God you’re in love and alive through it all.

You’ve lost track of how many times it took you both to get here. But you’re here and there’s no more lies, bullshit and half-assing things.

You’ll stop wondering how much simpler things would be if feelings were easily altered, whether we’d bother to love at all. You’ve made it.

Silent moans of relief as you feel so close to them and the only way you can get closer is by letting them hold you even closer. Tighter even.

Caressing every part of you; existing peacefully between each other. Like Pablo Neruda they’ll catch glimpses of the moon alive under your skin.

Your skin will smell like sleep. Things will begin to make sense. Loving each other will feel like being heard after a lifetime of silence.

You’ll remember the times you spent your early 20s freaking out, believing you’re a mess when really you were always iridescent from the start.

You’ll forget about the exes that were into music/ poetry and wrote songs about everyone they fucked except you.

You’ll forget about the exes that made you feel so used to being second best – only inviting you over when they’re lonely and horny.

You’ll touch your lips, tasting the tendrils of the escaped Disney fairy tale you spent your early life searching for with exes that weren’t for you.

You’ll build a life with a love books don’t talk about. The one found in the spines of everything you’ve been taught to run away from.

You’re a hero with claws. It’s how you climbed out of darkness when you believed everything was disappearing and made of smoke.

It’s going to be the small moments here and there, however they arrive, look for them. Happiness will walk in and I hope it works out for you.

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I like you more than you like me

The curse. You wonder if this is how it’s meant to be for the rest of your life. The one who is always “too”: much, needy, emotional, cold. It hits you out of nowhere, but you know that the thought has been with you for a long time.

You look back at your dating life, the detritus of ten years, as you look back at what you have written. You write in pencil and wish that things were as easy to erase. But you know that even pencils leave marks. Every kiss is a stain, every touch a bruise. Even if it does not show at the time.

You start off by writing – about heartbreak in general – how the feeling hits you months, sometimes years after you thought you were over it; how you used to work out and look after yourself as revenge only to realise it was a sham and you worked on the wrong part of yourself (the outside); how heartache and loneliness are reluctant bedfellows walking hand in hand, not looking at each other, with you, their child torn between.
Until you realise the root cause of all the ruminating – I like you more than you like me. Like, that word so bastardised by social media, the phase when you know you are not infatuated anymore, but not yet in love. The transitionary period, the crucial time.

Your pencil moves faster than your hand will allow, but you know that no pencil or the fastest fingers on the best computers would be able to keep up if the heart was allowed a language, a voice, a chance to speak. But you’re grateful that the heart knows its own strength and spares you its sermons that would destroy you with its truths.

You think that giving is enough. You think that being there, being present is enough. Ultimately you realise that this is a poison you’re doomed to keep swallowing.

You feel stupid. Juvenile too. Stupid child.

You wonder why something that seems so simple can be so complicated – every single time.

Your eyes are now open to other people in relationships like this. Your thoughts vacillate between pity for the poor person in your shoes, and respect for their patience and determination to be with the one they want. Could this form of partnership grow to be love? Who says it isn’t?
All you did was over read the situation. Blame it on your star sign, maybe on your mind, family issues, past relationships, whatever. Truth is you like him more than he liked you, and that’s all there is to it.

Author Jerome Cornelius

The Side Ho Expansion Project

Not known as SHEP, so don’t call it that, please.

For the last few months I’ve embarked on a mission to get hoes. I was inspired by a prolific tweeter, and thought I would reclaim this word and give it new life.

@Beyonka_fierce is one of my favourite tweeters, a guilty pleasure if there ever was one. Some of her tweets are too unsavoury for me to quote, but often they are humourous, and even at times, heartfelt. It was these tweets that urged me to embrace hoedom.
She is, in fact, a “he”, and an alter ego. What stood out for me was the way she refers to her male companions, the hoes. I found this so refreshing, if a little, disconcerting.

The idea of reclamation is a tricky one. I’ve spoken about the use of words and their power in a previous post, so because this one is super serious and an explorative journalistic piece, I’m allowed to contradict myself.

The word “ho” is derived from the word “whore”, however I am not using this definition. A ho, to me, is just another word for a dispensable person to have fun with. A side ho is even worse (I mean, better). So to recap, we are not using the shortened form of “whore” made so distastefully unpopular by gangster rap, nor is it a gardening tool.

Therefore they are side hoes, complementary to the main. Or rather in anticipation of the main.

My hoes give me life. My hoes give me strength. They make me want to be a better person. But not really.

 

The main, however, is the one you marry, the one you set aside all the hoes for.

And like the ancient Greeks said, a ho must know. A ho must grow. And when they get too wordy, the ho must go.

The Side Ho Expansion Project took on a life of its own, but I soon realised that it grew to an extension of the 100 Dates Challenge. Whether that failed or succeeded to you, dear faithful reader, is not important. The hoes are what matter.

So what was it about? Just having fun and meeting people. That’s it! There were, however, a few conditions.

-Never lead anyone on.
– Be honest.
– Have fun.

For those wondering, I am not a ho myself. Nope, no way. I am not about that life. What I am is a Side Ho Management Specialist. Official title.

The SHEP was ultimately fun, however misguided, but not entirely wasted. I made lots of new friends on social media sites and met many people, but like I said, the original definition of the word (whore) did not apply here.

I reached a point where I just got tired of looking and meeting, and eventually they would come to me. It’s really true what they say about ones aura and how a certain energy is detectable. Even leaving the house looking like a homeless person I would make lots of new friends.

One day, however, someone said to me, “But it’s not you” and I unwillingly was forced to agree. As much fun as I was having, what I am looking for is a main. I did not hurt anyone in the process (as far as I know, because I am friends/friendly with everyone I’ve met) but it made me think of people who do this full-time. You know the type I’m talking about – jumping from one relationship to the next without so much as a thought, or even just sleeping around, and ultimately lying to their partners, or leading these people on.

At no point did I think I would do this. The SHEP was also a practise in honesty. I refused to lead anyone on, and had anyone asked me what the status of our relationship was, I would have told them, “You’re my side ho”.

And before you pity any of these men, or me, don’t worry, look at the word itself – there is HOnour in being a ho.

So that was a brief about my life-changing sojourn into the world of dating, and my time with hoes.  I learned a lot. Like I said, it was not me. I did, however, have fun and really got a bit of my proverbial groove back. Too often we’re confined to boxes of what we are supposed to be. This will screw you over big time. When you go into meeting someone with zero expectations and with you holding the power, your perspective will change. Once you realise that if someone leaves you because they do not like something about you, you shrug your shoulders and say “Ok, there are five more of you waiting in the wings”.

So go out there Floor Jawers, my faithful readers. You don’t have to rename them hoes, but you do need to stop thinking so far ahead, stop taking it so seriously and enjoy the world of dating.

 

<p>Author <a href=”https://plus.google.com/102128103971030481396” target=”blank” rel=”author”>Jerome Cornelius</a></p>

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“Re Sorry” (What I learned in a marriage seminar) Part 2

“WE criticise what the other person loves about themselves without even realising it”

BINGO!! Hallelujah. At this point i was still praising as if i were in an actual church service.  Gungor went on:

Relationships are not about ego appeasement or resolution, but validation. My God, why is this obvious point such a revelation to me (and I’m sure many others)? How can something so simple be so astounding? How do we lose our way and forget that validation and respect are such needs to us, yet we deny our partners this ?

Gungor spoke specifically about men at one point and how women (because it was in church, but I substitute that with “partner”) should honour their men. Remember I said I attended the second day only, so the women had their turn the day before.

Again, light bulbs went off above my head. He said that you should validate people BEFORE they are supposed to earn it. If you love someone, why should they have to earn your validation? Why not give it and let the two of you be on equal playing fields? In this way, you empower your spouse.

“By criticising your partner, you are teaching them that they can’t share their dreams… They will find validation elsewhere… You need to let your partner know that you are their number one fan!”

I couldn’t have improved on this. This floored me. My jaw was on the floor. My bff always says that we teach people how to treat us. So I don’t know why this one had such an impact on me. I do believe that the onus always falls on the individual. This is not to say that you are responsible for others, but you are responsible for what you ALLOW  to happen in your life. And if you do not treat someone right, another is usually waiting in the wings to step in and do your job.

He said, rightly so, that affairs start as emoional detachment from your partner and trying to fill a void elsewhere. This eventually becomes sexual.

I have not felt this before, but it made perfect sense.  If you were to treat a child or pet this way, they would grow to e unhealthy and destructive. They would retreat from themselves and their demeanour would change. Unfortunately (and in rare cases, fortunately) adults have the wherewithall to react to this ill-treatment and instead of addressing it, they stray.

Respect is the name of the game. Don’t let a situation get to the point where you even need to say sorry. But it might have to.

Until later, i hope you are all gaining the insight I did when i attended the seminar.

<p>Author <a href=”https://plus.google.com/102128103971030481396” target=”blank” rel=”author”>Jerome Cornelius</a></p>

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1st “Real” Date

For those following the 100 Dates challenge which some of my friends and I are doing, a new rule was implemented (because we make it up as we go along). The number of people who you can ask out on a date whom you know personally may not exceed five. So I passed that number about four dates ago.

But before I get ahead of myself, a quick recap. Or lack of one. The other challengers/daters have been slacking off. Tswana Queen and Bienkie have both been quite lazy and complacent and have not upped their dating game. I’m not one to speak, seeing as I’ve had just one extra since the last post.

Back to the date. The Hippo is a friend whom I met via Facebook. An all-round good guy, I was not too worried about this one. And true to form it flowed from the start. We blazed through conversations ranging from careers (and lack of, in my case), likes and dislikes, hates and dis-hates. We had a lot in common. More than I ever expected, which is always a good thing.

However, I thought that I would present this one differently. A friend and follower suggested I do a “Do’s and Don’ts” after the dates. So I thought I would try it with this one.

Do :

–          Your research. Don’t ask someone to bowling at a mall where there is still construction and you are not sure whether the food court is fully operational. It was not. Google is your friend. Tygervalley shopping centre, I hate you.

–          Listen and allow the other person to talk. A seemingly obvious detail, but how they forget. I learned a lot by doing this!

–          Choose wisely from the menu. I thought I was being cute choosing the starters to share, then I messed the salsa and the cheese on the mushrooms was a nightmare.

–          Speak about your exes… only if you both are ok with that part of your histories. We excelled in this; discussing the fools in a candid way.

Don’t :

–          Be too generous with your sense of humour if it is quite biting and often misunderstood. I had no problems with this one, thank the gods.

–          Try to be perfect. You will seem pretentious. This was a conscious decision on my part to be myself, but also not too much as to compensate for nerves (yes there were nerves!) Although I made sure to not order any chicken. That would have been a disaster for me. I love chicken.

That’s it. Another one down and one step closer to dating glory. As you can see, the “Don’ts” are much shorter than the “Do’s.”  This should be inspiration to others to not be nervous when trying something new. I hope that everyone is at least a little inspired to meet new people and refine those social skills. I already feel like a master conversationalist, so there’s one feather in my cap. Looking forward to other challengers stepping up to the plate.

<p>Author <a href=”https://plus.google.com/102128103971030481396” target=”blank” rel=”author”>Jerome Cornelius</a></p>

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Woulda… Coulda? The Power of Words

I pick you up. Not physically.  We laugh, well, we laugh out loud, like the kids say. I pick you up IN MY CAR; I say so as not to repeat the same joke.

Where we go? Wherever the hell we want! We watch a concert again. Or a ballet on ice. A movie, something fun. Like a superhero blockbuster or something romantic. Doesn’t matter anyway, right?

Or something completely different and new that we could never do before. How about… sky diving? Oh gosh, I’ve always wanted to do that. Maybe bungee jumping? But both of those have had their  fair share of slip-ups, so it makes me a little nervous.

We talk about ourselves, each other, our lives. You cut me off each time and I get upset. Oh wait, you know I hate that and you’re doing it on purpose. I get it.

We go for a walk. Where? Who gives a shit?! It can be wherever we want it to be. Tonight (did I mention that it is night?) we are on the beach. There is a big ship, some foreign vessel, on the calm water. It is moving, but there is no wind spoiling the night. The city lights twinkle in the distance. It is a perfect night, in every way. If only it were real.

***

A friend suggested that I do this to get over an ex: he said, why don’t you do what you do best, Write! Write about dates that you would have had with said person. In that way I would discover things about myself and keep up the momentum of the process of moving on.

Has it worked? Who knows? As usual, I certainly don’t.  I thought that this would rehash the bad times and leave me stuck in the past. However, it reminded me of the good that we had. Where it will go from here is anyones guess. I suggest that my fellow daters try it. A very interesting exercise that could work for you. It could also go spectacularly wrong. Either way it will go somewhere.  Try it. Good luck my fellow bloggeroos.

 

<p>Author <a href=”https://plus.google.com/102128103971030481396” target=”blank” rel=”author”>Jerome Cornelius</a></p>

100 Dates Stalled

So it looks like this dater and blogger has hit a speed bump. My intention was to write a post after my previous date with Lane, a beautiful young lady whom I asked out for coffee and a peach. She of course agreed and we had a splendid time. The problem was that I arrived late and we were also interrupted by Angel, another new entrant to the blogging world and a potential next date. He called me into a meeting and then I had to leave for booty camp. Talk about busy for all the wrong reasons. Needless to say I was not impressed. Neither was Lane. In fact, she may still be sitting on that bench waiting for me to return like a war wife. I asked her out again and she was gracious as ever and readily agreed. Making time for these are hard! I’ve only had a handful and only with people I know>. This was my intention when embarking on the challenge, but even so, I must reiterate how exhausted I am at this point. But alas, I encourage all daters to not give up hope. Keep pushing and before you know it I will be giving the endless wedding speech. For now, I hope that everyone is still enjoying the challenge and increasing that circle of friendship.

 

<p>Author <a href=”https://plus.google.com/102128103971030481396” target=”blank” rel=”author”>Jerome Cornelius</a></p>

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