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The Alternative South African Elections 2014 – who to vote for.

With the weekend of manifestoes behind us, the EFF, ANCYL and DA have told us what we already knew – “We here!” Calm down, girlfriends, we know.

But what other choices do we have? Come May the 7th, there are a number of other parties of which you may not be aware.

So I’ve compiled the list of these parties which you may not have heard about – the new kids on the starting blocks, ready to fight and lead.

Alcohol Now Council

This new party is also known as the continent’s newest and oldest (looking), libation movement. Because when the dust settles and Commanders Zille and Zuma have trampled on the grass of the people, what will be left? Cockroaches and alcohol.  I bet COPE wished they had thought of this one. You’re welcome, Mzansi.

 

HOOH

With its roots firmly entrenched in hair politics, HOOH stands for Hands off our Hairlines.

Pronounced however you want, but preferably to rhyme with “Yhu” or “Hawu”, because this is a resistance movement for resistant hair.  This is an important growing movement which has grown out of the lack of growth on our heads. How much longer will black women walk around with hair fighting for space to compete with their political views? How often will men have to dodge the razor at the barber trying to even things out? Haven’t we had enough of that in the past? Why must our heads be political spaces?  Not to be confused with…

HOW party

Not to be confused with the Hawus, although the vernacular pronunciation of this party is more in tune with “Hawu” than How. Less a platform for change, and not so much a resistant movement as a deeply embedded systematic hierarchy of historical confusion. Get it? HOW? As we throw our hands up in the air and toyi toyi like we just don’t care. Because we don’t care. This party consists of endless talks and speeches, finger-pointing, alliances, re-alliances, promises, laughs, laughter, laughable promises and a lot more to come, it seems.

Daggah/ Green (with envy) party

This movement aims to provide daggers to stab in the backs of others. It’s become a growing trend and has grown exponentially in recent years, Comrades. Especially since the publication of a little known text called Julius…

Caesar.

The Movement Movement – or the shit party

This is the unofficial name for all parties in politics in the history of politics.

Beret Party

This moniker is a particularly delightful South Africanism. The way some of us pronounce “filet” as fill-IT, or “buffet” as boo-FET.

Speaking of the French, gone are the days of head-covering gear with communist implications. Calm down, girlfriend. Beret is pronounced as “berate”, because with freedom of speech we can beret whoever we want.

The Blue(s) Party

Not only is the colour of this party a dashing shade of royal, but their crooning attracts lots of black people who love the sound of their promising melody. That is until the white figure comes along and takes all the shine. Wait, what did you think I was talking about? This is about Elvis and the genre known as the blues.

The Reds

No, calm down with your communist implications. And no, this is not about white nationalism. Although Red is an Afrikaans word which means “save” and this party does wear red. If only this saviour wore white and converted wine to water instead of drinking it without the messianic promises. No? Just me? Oh well…

And there you have it, the alternative parties who will be expecting your vote this coming election. Choose wisely.

<p>Author <a href=”https://plus.google.com/102128103971030481396” target=”blank” rel=”author”>Jerome Cornelius</a></p>

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