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I like you more than you like me

The curse. You wonder if this is how it’s meant to be for the rest of your life. The one who is always “too”: much, needy, emotional, cold. It hits you out of nowhere, but you know that the thought has been with you for a long time.

You look back at your dating life, the detritus of ten years, as you look back at what you have written. You write in pencil and wish that things were as easy to erase. But you know that even pencils leave marks. Every kiss is a stain, every touch a bruise. Even if it does not show at the time.

You start off by writing – about heartbreak in general – how the feeling hits you months, sometimes years after you thought you were over it; how you used to work out and look after yourself as revenge only to realise it was a sham and you worked on the wrong part of yourself (the outside); how heartache and loneliness are reluctant bedfellows walking hand in hand, not looking at each other, with you, their child torn between.
Until you realise the root cause of all the ruminating – I like you more than you like me. Like, that word so bastardised by social media, the phase when you know you are not infatuated anymore, but not yet in love. The transitionary period, the crucial time.

Your pencil moves faster than your hand will allow, but you know that no pencil or the fastest fingers on the best computers would be able to keep up if the heart was allowed a language, a voice, a chance to speak. But you’re grateful that the heart knows its own strength and spares you its sermons that would destroy you with its truths.

You think that giving is enough. You think that being there, being present is enough. Ultimately you realise that this is a poison you’re doomed to keep swallowing.

You feel stupid. Juvenile too. Stupid child.

You wonder why something that seems so simple can be so complicated – every single time.

Your eyes are now open to other people in relationships like this. Your thoughts vacillate between pity for the poor person in your shoes, and respect for their patience and determination to be with the one they want. Could this form of partnership grow to be love? Who says it isn’t?
All you did was over read the situation. Blame it on your star sign, maybe on your mind, family issues, past relationships, whatever. Truth is you like him more than he liked you, and that’s all there is to it.

Author Jerome Cornelius

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Playlist of the Heartbroken (excl Adele)

We’ve all been there. You know, those moments when certain songs on your phone or iPod that just get to you in the mood that you’re in; and I’m in a particularly dangerous one. So here, I unleash the songs that refuse to leave me alone at the moment. I’ve omitted Adele because she’s tend to become a given for things such as these and I think she needs to calm down now.

Some of these aren’t necessarily sad, or heart breaking songs, but certain words or lines will be apt:

*The Police – Message in a Bottle: “Rescue me before I fall into despair… I hope that someone gets my…”

Good on you for this one, Mr Somner! “Only hope can keep me together… Love can mend your life, but love can break your heart”

That ambivalent feeling where you are torn between what to feel and what you do feel. It’s a bitch on the arms being pulled from either side like that.

*Letters to Cleo – I Want You To Want Me: “I need you to need me… I love you to love me… I’m begging you to beg me”

That frustration when someone just won’t… just won’t… I don’t even know! You just want them to GET IT. Halloooo, I’m right here!

*Tokio Hotel – Nach Dir Kommt Nichts: Roughly translated, “after you there is nothing.”

*Supertramp – It’s Raining Again: “You know it’s hard to pretend… too bad I’m losing a friend…  It’s only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again”

The weather as an analogy for feeling; a piece of 80’s genius.

*Delta Goodrem – Lost Without You: “I thought I had all the answers… but baby since you’re gone, I admit that I was wrong… How am I gonna be strong without you, I need you by my side”

Anyone see a theme developing here? I certainly don’t.

*Britney Spears – Everytime: “At night I pray, that soon your face will fade away”

“I see your face it’s haunting me… I guess I need you, baby”

This is the one that, to me redeemed Britney to critics and silenced the haters. “I make believ that you are here, it’s the only way that I see clear” This one was veering dangerously towards the Adele school of song; and seven years before Adele even began to croon us about people like us.

You know, when you go back and back and back and nothing works or helps, but “[Y]ou’re the only thing that’s on my mind”

*Boston – More Than a Feeling: “I close my eyes as you slip away… I see my Marianne [or fill in the blank as you see fit] walking away”

Anytime a man can reach a note like this and for that long, I am well and truly impressed. And yes, it is more than a feeling when you your Marianne walking away.

*Band of Horses – No Ones Gonna Love You: “We are the ever living ghost of what once was”

“Did anything to make you smile… it is a better side, of you to admire”

This one makes me smile in a melancholic way. You know when you try wishing harm on someone and getting into an angry phase and your heart just prevents you? No?! Play. This. Song.

*Lana Del Rey – Video Games: “It’s you it’s you it’s all for you, everything I do”

The haunting and potentially whiny voice is what makes this one work. Yissus I can’t get enough – “Heaven is a place on Earth with you” The nostalgic feel of this one makes my mind wander like a lost dog.

*Macy Gray – Still: “So why say bye bye, when it only makes me cry?”

Perfectly sums up dysfunction. “…lovin’ you baby and it’s much too much”

*Aqua – Doctor Jones: Seriously! Give it a chance and read on (without the Eurodance beat). I could convince you yet. “Sometimes the feeling is right, you fall in love for the first time… ”

When you want that one person and you seem to be lifetimes apart, not only physically.

“All I think of is you and all of the things we had…”

That one was a hard sell, but there’s some good stuff in there! Really, there is! Oh, sod off all of you. Moving on…

*Cyndi Lauper – Time After Time: “Suitcase of memories” A perfect description of my muddled mind and idiotic hopefulness.

“If you’re lost you can look and you will find me…”

*Kelly Clarkson – Already Gone: “Remember all the things we wanted? Now all our memories are haunted… we were always meant to say goodbye”

Not too regretful, but it gets the message across. But then there’s this one…

*Lady Antebellum – All We’d Ever Need:  “I should have been chasing you… You should have been trying to prove”

This one speaks to me like a boxer punching me in the face -sharp jabs, without the (physical) pain. Keeping things, keeping things inside, hiding, “but if you’re happy, I’ll get through somehow, but the truth is, I’ve been screaming out.”

This one is for people who try acting strong at their own detriment. We all know someone like this. Many of us are this person! Do not be this person. I am this person.

*Johnny Cash – You Are My Sunshine: “My only sunshine… you make me happy when skies are grey… you’ll never know dear, how much I love you… please don’t take my sunshine away”

There’s a lot of weather on this list! But another genius way to relate feelings. I bow at your feet Mr Cash.

So there it is, my heart bloodying a silver platter. I hope that these won’t be on rotation for too long and that I can move on to happier things. Although I doubt it. For now, I’m here, embracing the mock. Still blessed, messed, fessed, not in jest and just generally other “es” words. Für dich.

<p>Author <a href=”https://plus.google.com/102128103971030481396” target=”blank” rel=”author”>Jerome Cornelius</a></p>

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