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Posts tagged ‘Malema’


Dear Mr Malema (Sixth Zuma wife appeals)

I Love you. Whoa JAW, calm down.

Hello my Floor Jawers, I trust that you are all doing well. If you are not, don’t complain. There are people out there without roofs over their cars. It may be their choice, but still, it’s a tough life.

This is my attitude. One of optimism and hope. Therefore I would like to put in an application to be the Malema wife; the next first lady of this country.

I know that my faithful followers and readers are used to being addressed personally, but this is an open letter to my curvaceous new man. So calm down girls while mamma puts more food on the table.

Mr Malema, I watched you recently on Amanpour and I kept thinking, AmanPOUR this girl a drink.  I swooned when I saw your full face, revolutionary beret-clad head on my screen, shining like the black hole that you are. And that’s a hole into which I would like to be sucked.

Christiane did not seem to get who you are. I do not believe that you are the cause of all that is wrong with this country. Fighting for miners rights and the poor and embattled of this country? Yes please! We need more of you. And going on overseas trips to research the way in which others live? Can we all say SELFLESS?! You, my man, are a man amongst, you know, more men.

Some call you Black Hitler, I just call you my Black Chocolate.

As the sixth Zuma wife, I have had experience in being part of a presidential delegation. Even though I was kept in the back kraal, I often caught glimpses of the meetings.  I have a unique an fragmented insight into the colourful world of South African politics.

I do not agree with Ja-Zu that you should have been suspended. Maybe a little discipline, but that is what you will have me for. You see Juli, you are a bad boy. But that is just what we need. Let’s face it, Madeeba couldn’t do it. All that freedom and constitution nonsense will get us nowhere. This is a rainbow nation that needs our particular brand of black-and-white colour. Forget 50 Shades of Grey. I want one shade of YOU.

I mean if you could get from whatever hole you grew up in all the way to the title of former ANCYL president in the span of a few decades, I think we have a potential role model in you. And I would like you to be the potential role model in me.

So I appeal to you JuMa, take your cocoa finger and go over to that “follow” button and follow me all the way to the altar. Let jawonthefloor show you the way. Hit that button, and then hit me up. I’ll show you how to run this country.


<p>Author <a href=”https://plus.google.com/102128103971030481396” target=”blank” rel=”author”>Jerome Cornelius</a></p>


The Oil and Glitter of Politrix.

Warning: this could get really convoluted, but there’s logic in here somewhere.

So earlier today, my husband fired General Bheki Cele and replaced him with new police commissioner Mangwashi Phiyega. It was suitably dramatic and I know when he gets home later there will fireworks in the bedroom. But it got me thinking…

Recently I attended the Franschhoek Literary Festival. I didn’t have anything to report back at the time because, while it was amazing for a young writer, I didn’t feel there was anything worthwhile for anyone other than myself.  Then I thought back.

So I got the amazing opportunity to attend the talk on the second day of the weekend and it was called “From Page to Stage” hosted by director Janice Honeyman. It was a talk with Pieter Dirk-Uys, Craig Higginson and Mike Van Graan, three acclaimed South African writer-directors.

What got me thinking about this was, like it always does, the state of our nation. For those of you who don’t know (and shame on you for that) Dirk-Uys is the country’s most famous drag queen, although many would dispute this. This is so simply because Tannie Evita Bezuidenhout has such a personality of her own that even the most butchest of Afrikaner men would call her “Tannie” (for those of you who don’t know, this is a term of endearment for older women, translated means “Auntie”)

He dresses up (sometimes even on stage like when I saw him in Oudshoorn for his show “The End is Naai”) and transforms into a whole new person. Now this is nothing new for drag performers; however Pieter is one of the best satirists we have. And the way he transforms himself into herself made me realise that, whether he intended to or not, he is taking a dig at politicians who dress up themselves, for the benefit of the show.   I do not only mean outward dress, but way of speaking, mannerisms and all the pomp and glam that go with leading the people.

Whenever I see a politician on TV, I wonder how they are at home. As the sixth Zuma wife, I can tell you that Jakie is as charming and eloquent in bed, I mean home as he is in the public eye. Of course he makes us all call him Mr President and “better than Thabo” but that’s standard procedure, right? Just doing our bits for the bits of our nation.

And these guys sure do put on an act. One minute partying with their comrades, the next dancing with the locals, always dressed appropriately for the part, of course.  So why do any of us, not just the stupid general public, bother giving these chameleons the time of day?  Because we like a show, that’s why. We love watching someone try to woo us, we love the lights, the romance, the action, the melodrama, the glitter, the balls, the testosterone, the duels, the speeches, oh god do we love the speeches. Haven’t we all been wooed by someone before with sweet talk and tears, strong words that make us weak at the knees and obvious lies that impress us with their passion?

In a way, their lives are from the page, to our stage.

I’m sure most people have seen the “wrestling” of the WWE. There is a reason why this particular “sport” has not been admitted in the Olympics. No, not because of the steroid consumption and overacting, but the oil budget would be through the roof. These guys are no different from politicians; they put on a show, they jump around, flex their muscles, talk some trash.

Malema would not be where he was today if not for that fiery irreverence that kept us all glued to his moist lips. If he were level headed and rational while saying the foolish things he said, do you think we would give two shits? NO. Hitler would not be what he was without the frothing and the arm flex. The same way go-go dancers would not be what they were without the flexing legs and frothing… personalities. Let us all now see this world for what it really is- one big production. And a 5 6 7 8!

You were warned.


<p>Author <a href=”https://plus.google.com/102128103971030481396” target=”blank” rel=”author”>Jerome Cornelius</a></p>

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