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“Re Sorry” (What I learned in a marriage seminar) The Final Part!

The talk ended with what he called the “reset” button. Yes, exactly like in video games and computers. Push a button and it all goes away and you start from scratch.

In relationships this is called forgiveness. Absolute. Overarching. Wholly (Even holy, id say).

Too many of us use this as a way of holding the past over the heads of our partners. If someone says they are sorry, it is not for you to hold on to it to later throw it back in the persons face. There should be a lightness on the shoulders as you both bring your halves to the table and eventually and peacefully… LET IT GO.

But this forgiveness that is all-encompassing must also be sincere. To say a word without appreciating its true meaning is not doing justice to you or your partner. Throw in a little love and make your partner believe that you are grateful to have them, not just in that moment, but in your life, and ask for forgiveness as you give yours.

I have forgiven in this way where it is simply about getting the uncomfortable confrontation out of the way and appeasing the other person and myself. Guess what? I cheated myself. I’m the one who ended up the loser.

Once love becomes a norm, we must accept people as they are. Gungor said that God made people a certain way (excluding cheating, lying, betrayal, etc) on purpose. So why try to change them?!

Know yourself first, and then really get to know your partner.

Bottom line: I am sorry.

<p>Author <a href=”https://plus.google.com/102128103971030481396” target=”blank” rel=”author”>Jerome Cornelius</a></p>

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“Re Sorry” (What I learned in a marriage seminar) Part 2

“WE criticise what the other person loves about themselves without even realising it”

BINGO!! Hallelujah. At this point i was still praising as if i were in an actual church service.  Gungor went on:

Relationships are not about ego appeasement or resolution, but validation. My God, why is this obvious point such a revelation to me (and I’m sure many others)? How can something so simple be so astounding? How do we lose our way and forget that validation and respect are such needs to us, yet we deny our partners this ?

Gungor spoke specifically about men at one point and how women (because it was in church, but I substitute that with “partner”) should honour their men. Remember I said I attended the second day only, so the women had their turn the day before.

Again, light bulbs went off above my head. He said that you should validate people BEFORE they are supposed to earn it. If you love someone, why should they have to earn your validation? Why not give it and let the two of you be on equal playing fields? In this way, you empower your spouse.

“By criticising your partner, you are teaching them that they can’t share their dreams… They will find validation elsewhere… You need to let your partner know that you are their number one fan!”

I couldn’t have improved on this. This floored me. My jaw was on the floor. My bff always says that we teach people how to treat us. So I don’t know why this one had such an impact on me. I do believe that the onus always falls on the individual. This is not to say that you are responsible for others, but you are responsible for what you ALLOW  to happen in your life. And if you do not treat someone right, another is usually waiting in the wings to step in and do your job.

He said, rightly so, that affairs start as emoional detachment from your partner and trying to fill a void elsewhere. This eventually becomes sexual.

I have not felt this before, but it made perfect sense.  If you were to treat a child or pet this way, they would grow to e unhealthy and destructive. They would retreat from themselves and their demeanour would change. Unfortunately (and in rare cases, fortunately) adults have the wherewithall to react to this ill-treatment and instead of addressing it, they stray.

Respect is the name of the game. Don’t let a situation get to the point where you even need to say sorry. But it might have to.

Until later, i hope you are all gaining the insight I did when i attended the seminar.

<p>Author <a href=”https://plus.google.com/102128103971030481396” target=”blank” rel=”author”>Jerome Cornelius</a></p>

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“Re Sorry” (What I learned in a marriage seminar) Part 1

To my faithful Floor Jawers, you all know that I can be serious at times.

This is partially one of those times. Last night I was in church. Well, it was a seminar on marriage and relationships; so more church in a wedding/funeral/once-a-year Easter or Christmas thing for me.

This post started out in my head as a rumination on the word “Sorry” This is something that has come to be such a bastardisation of what this word is intended to mean. How often do you say this word? You, yes YOU reading this my little blogette?! I am guilty of this. A friend told me recently that she was also guilty of abusing this word and used it as a tool of appeasement.

So this all changed as I attended this seminar.

What I stumbled upon was the second day of “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage” by Mark Gungor at the Hillsong Church in Cape Town. I attended with my friend and her boyfriend and a bevy of couples, old and young. It was such a treat! Even as someone who is not good at relationships and doesn’t know much, I had endless lightbulbs going off.  My friend reached out to me as she (like others) was so sick of the funk that I am in and thought that I might get something from it. And I did! So here I offer a review of what I experienced.

Everything I thought I knew got thrown out the door as this man spoke. Now I want to do him justice, but at the risk of plagiarising or grossly reducing his words, I have combined them where necessary with my own opinion or experience. And to get your own idea of this, check out http://www.laughyourway.com/about/mark-gungor/ yourself.

***

It started out with Gungor comparing people to countries. We each have our own way of thinking, feeling, list of characteristics and a vehicle that accompanies each category which exemplify these types.

To gloss over them quickly (and not doing them justice for the length of this entry), these are divided into Control, Perfect, Fun and Peace countries. Each of these are reasonably self-explanatory, however they are indicative of what makes each of us unique and special. Your characteristics determine which country type you fall under.

The problems in relationships come when we welcome others into our “country” and chastise them for being who they are. Think of multi-culturalism and how immigrants are made to feel inferior for celebrating themselves, in a different country. Why do we want to criticise others for simply being and doing what they are good at?

This was a major theme for the night and a revelation for me. I have experienced this where people have asked or wondered why I cannot be a certain way. I am not destructive, so then why have a problem with me doing or saying certain things?

Because you don’t know me.

Because I do not know my self.

We do not know ourselves, so how can we possibly expect to know each other?

At this point my arms were sore from putting my hands up in praise. This was done in a non-Christian/religious way, because I am not that way inclined, but when someone speaks truth to power, I have no option but to acknowledge. And child, let me tell you, this man was (en)lighting up my world like never before.

You simply cannot “keep from others what makes them their best” he said. When we criticise the people in our lives for doing things that they, you know, DO, you are essentially denying them from that part of themselves. Someone from the Fun country likes attention, so someone from Perfect country cannot scold and say that they should stop acting that way simply because it is not compatible with their way of life.

We all want others to see our points of view and to GET us.  But we all love in our own way and this should be celebrated!

<p>Author <a href=”https://plus.google.com/102128103971030481396” target=”blank” rel=”author”>Jerome Cornelius</a></p>

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