First thing, realise the power and privilege that comes with being a bottom. What? You didn’t know that being a bottom comes with both power and privilege? Seems we have a lot to get through. Sit down, Uncle JAW has a few things to teach you, Floor Jawers. And thank you for ignoring all the obvious puns in that opening. I appreciate you keeping your giggles to a minimum. It was hard for me too. Ok, I’ll stop now.
Often oppression does not come only from the outside, but starts within us. It’s true that if we push hard enough from the margins, the centre will implode, but that can only happen if we are empowered enough to do so. Now, this is nothing new. From female subjugation to that of black people the world over, and for this discussion, gay people and sexual oppression, it starts with empowering of the self.
Which leads me to that evil word – bottom. Many people revel in this, others find it offensive. For purposes of this discussion, I use it as a blanket term and acknowledge that labels are not for everybody. It refers to the supposedly submissive one in a partnership.
I should start in a strange way – the inverse. How not to have anal sex is to think less of yourself, and the act of sex; to think of it as a duty, or something that you should be doing and do it simply because it’s what you think you’re supposed to be doing. Stop it right now. The power and privilege of sex comes with the fact that your partner should (while not necessarily be begging at your feet, although the thought does give me a Cheshire cat smirk like no other) be grateful.
What I have seen as an observer of gay life is the ever-prevailing dynamic of top vs bottom, privileging the top and looking down at the bottom, even from other bottoms – essentially subjugation within subjugation. Like I always say, you have the world against you, why would you make it worse by fostering a sense of competition, further ghettoising ourselves?
Of course, you can just do whatever it is you want, and I am the fuddy-duddy who is trying to complicate things. That’s ok too. Take me with a pinch of salt, or just pinch my bum. Hey, I’m human too.
Regardless, how you should have anal sex is considered, thoughtful, careful, consensual, authoritatively and mutual. Respect your partner enough to respect yourself. Nothing will change if you do not change yourself. I saw an interesting debate this weekend about the role of women in porn. Someone commented about black women being the animals in porn, due to the way they were treated. As keen as I am to dissect issues of race, I initially disagreed, because, while I agree that all porn is about power and humiliation, she explained that within that realm, women are on an even lower wrung, with black women considered even lower. Therefore gay men should really, in my opinion, not disrespect themselves (and not enable said disrespect in their partners) and learn how to have anal sex
As you can tell, there wasn’t any actual advice about anal sex in here. Fool ya once, shame on me. If you found this blog post via a search looking for actual anal sex, and this came up, I do apologise.
But for those of you who want that, and didn’t glean any lesson from the above post, here goes (no images, unfortunately):
- Take it slow. You set the pace.
- You are in control.
- Lots of lube. Actual lube.
- If it hurts, you’re doing it wrong.
- Try different positions until it feels right.
- Have fun
- Condom. More lube. Still actual lube.
- Your body, your choice.
<p>Author <a href=”https://plus.google.com/102128103971030481396” target=”blank” rel=”author”>Jerome Cornelius</a></p>